


The Mystery Lay

by noodleinabarrel



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angry Bones, Cooking, Craigslist, Getting to Know Each Other, M/M, One Night Stands, Pining Kirk, Starfleet Academy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-06 21:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8769955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noodleinabarrel/pseuds/noodleinabarrel
Summary: After having the best lay of his life on the couch of the sleazy club he bartends at, Jim comes home starry-eyed. Bones, however, couldn't give a shit about his roommate's swooning. All he cares about is his half-made guacamole and the avocado Jim promised to buy, but conveniently lost when his mystery man accidentally stole his jacket.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by [this Craigslist post featured on Tumblr](http://iraffiruse.net/post/82322836399). Somehow, I could easily picture Jim keeping an avocado in his pocket.

“Did you buy the avocado?” Bones demanded as Jim walked through the door. He was wrapped in his favorite _kiss the chef_ apron. Ironic, really. When Jim had done exactly what the apron requested over a pan of sizzling bacon after their first post-exams binge drinking session as Academy roommates, Bones had slapped a spatula across Jim’s cheek.

“Bones.” Jim jumped onto a bar stool and leaned his elbows against the island counter. “I met the hottest guy at ZuZu’s tonight.”

“Don’t care.”

“He was an amazing kisser. Had a very creative tongue.”

“Don’t wanna know.”

“I didn’t think he’d be up for it, considering he’s a Vulcan.”

“Stop talking.”

“But we had the best sex I’ve ever had on the staff room couch.”

Bones muttered under his breath as he smashed a clove of garlic against the side of his knife. “Please tell me you wore a condom.”

“Oh yeah, he insisted on it.”

“So, not a complete shit head for once.”

Sighing dramatically, Jim rested his chin against his palms as he remembered the passionate stroke of his mystery man’s fingers. “He was perfect.”

The _thunk thunk thunk_ of the knife against the chopping board as Bones furiously slaughtered a pair of tomatoes accompanied the rhythm of Jim’s beating heart. “The avocado, Jim.” Pausing, Bones reached out a hand. “Please tell me you remembered.”

“Oh, right!” Jim reached into his pocket. “I grabbed one at the grocery during my afternoon break. You’re welcome.”

“Hurry up. I need to get this guacamole done. Everyone’ll be here soon.”

“Shit.” Jim’s hand grasped at empty cloth. “It’s not here.” He reached into the other pocket and found a set of keys attached to a small star shaped keychain.

“Who the hell still owns metal keys?” Bones jeered.

“I must have taken the hot guy’s jacket and he took mine by mistake.”

“Great. You had sex with a thief.”

“I’m sure it was an accident,” Jim pouted.

“What about my special guacamole?” Bones raised his arms in the air, knife brandished like a weapon. “Nyota’s gonna have a fit if there’s no guac on the table when she arrives!”

“Sorry, Bones,” Jim grinned, sheepishly. “Can’t we just replicate an avocado? Scotty has a pretty good synthesizer in his apartment.”

“No.” Bones dumped his knife on the counter and Jim breathed a sigh of relief. He pushed it away from his roommate’s immediate grasp. “Replicated avocados taste like cardboard.”

“Not all of us had an avocado bush in our backyard growing up, you know. Uhura won’t know the difference.”

“Trees! Avocados grow on trees! And Nyota has a refined palate. I’m not feeding her some replicated crap.” Bones leaned across the counter, slamming his hands down on the table. “Get me my avocado, Jim. Now.”

Jim balked. “Where am I supposed to find an actual avocado at this time of night? All the specialty stores’ll be closed.

“Then call up your piece of ass and get my avocado back.”

“I don’t have his number.”

“Then search the comm directory by name.”

“I don’t know his name.”

“You didn’t get his name?” Bones scoffed. “God damn, typical. Sounds like you found yourself another asshole after all.”

Jim frowned. “I’m sure it wasn’t his fault.” He shrugged. “After we had sex, I had to get back to work. So, he sat at the bar and we chatted while I poured drinks. Did you know the Vulcan word for booze is naliveh?”

Bones glared at him.

“Anyway,” Jim continued, avoiding Bones’ disapproval by staring at the mutilated tomatoes. “It got busy and when I turned back after serving a group of Andorians he was gone. He probably had an emergency and needed to leave. Because we were getting on really well before he left.”

“He couldn’t have left you a note with his number?”

Jim stuck out his tongue. “Yeah, because ZuZu’s is full of pens and paper.”

“How many Vulcans even live in San Francisco?”

Jim slumped against his chair. “I’m not calling every Vulcan on the comm registry. What am I supposed to say?” Raising a spread hand to his cheek, Jim imitated speaking into a comm. “Uh hey, Mr. Vulcan. Are you the guy who sucked my dick at ZuZu’s tonight?”

“This is your mess.” Bones snatched his knife and went at the tomatoes with gusto once again. They were quickly becoming a mushy paste, juices splattering over the edge of the cutting board. “You clean it up.”

Jim scratched at his cheek. “I wonder if Vulcans know about Kaigslist. I could post on the lost and found board. Or m4m.”

“If they screw bartenders in the back of sleazy clubs, I wouldn’t be surprised.” Bones opened a cupboard, grabbed a pot, and then slammed the door shut. Wincing, Jim slinked to the opposite end of their apartment.

 

*

 

Focusing on his comm, Jim scrolled through the ads seeking assorted sexual acts on the male seeking male page of Kaigslist.

“Hey, Bones,” Jim called over the top of the couch. “There’s some guy on here looking for a dominant to play doctor. That sounds right up your alley.”

Bones tossed an onion at Jim’s head.

“Or, maybe not.” Jim ducked and glanced back at his screen.

And there it was among all the lurid propositions—a polite request tucked between _any tops around tonight?_ and _fist me now._

 

_To the human male serving alcoholic substances at ZuZu’s Nightclub: I appropriated your jacket in error._

On the evening of November the second at approximately 19:28, you served me a cup of spice tea upon my request and then engaged me in conversation about the similarity of our jackets, stating that the garment looked, and I quote, “much hotter on you than me.” After we participated in mutually satisfying intimate acts, and equally arresting conversation, I was forced to adjourn from your company as I had forgotten to feed my pet sehlat. He becomes most agitated when hungry. I apologize for departing with such haste. Indeed, it is unlike me to lose track of the hour. An uncharacteristic behavior I can only logically attribute to how diverted I was by your discourse and aesthetically pleasing appearance. The hypothesis of my distraction is further proved by the fact that I took your coat by mistake. Which I discovered when I attempted to retrieve my keys from the coat’s left pocket and found an avocado instead. I require my keys to enter my residence. Judging by the nutritional value of the Terran avocado, I suspect this organic substance is of equal importance to you. If you discover this message, please reply at your earliest convenience so that I may return your garment and retrieve my own.

 

Bless his sweet, hot, spicy piece of ass. Jim’s mystery fuck had probably saved his life judging by how fiercely Bones was staring as he wielded sharp objects and pots of boiling liquid in the kitchen. Not to mention the post read like a Vulcan love letter. _Your discourse and aesthetically pleasing appearance_. Jim flopped against the couch cushions with a giggle.

“I think I’ve found your avocado, Bones,” Jim practically swooned. “Don’t worry. I‘ve got your back, buddy.”

“Why am I not filled with confidence?” Bones grumbled over his bubbling pot of something or other.

“I found the guy. He posted on m4m.”

“The one who ditched you at ZuZu’s and stole my avocado?”

“He didn’t ditch me. He had to go feed his pet sehlat.”

“Yeah, that definitely doesn’t sound like an excuse.”

Rolling his eyes, Jim hit reply on the Kaigslist message. Jim supposed he couldn’t blame Bones for being a love cynic after his messy divorce, but after the night he’d had, Jim was filled with a buzzing hope.

_Hey! I’m the ZuZu bartender you had sex with tonight._

His comm whistled a few seconds later.

 

**Greetings. I returned to ZuZu’s after realizing my mistake but the owner of the establishment informed me you had finished your assigned duty shift and had returned to your residence. If it would not inconvenience you, would you be free to meet immediately so that we may exchange coats?**

_Yeah of course!! Are you waiting outside your place? Poor guy, you must be freezing._

 

**The temperature is lower than I would comfortably prefer at this time of night.**

 

_Where are you? I’ll come meet you._

**I am not inconveniencing you?**

_I’m not leaving you out in the cold all night. What’s your address?_

“Are you texting the Vulcan? Does he have my avocado?” Bones asked.

“Yeah, I’m gonna meet him,” Jim answered over his comm keyboard.

“The hell you aren’t,” Bones hissed, his face suddenly in Jim’s. Jim started, pushing himself farther back on the couch. “He could be a serial killer, luring you to his home in the dead of night so he can cut your pretty face into tiny pieces and stick them in his freezer.”

“I think Vulcans are vegetarians, not cannibals.”

“I didn’t say he was gonna eat you, kid. It doesn’t matter. He could have taken your coat on purpose as an excuse to get you alone.”

“What am I supposed to do then?” Jim raised his arms skyward. “Do you want your stupid avocado or not?”

“Tell him to come here. It’ll be quicker anyway.”

“But he needs to feed his sehlat!”

“You don’t actually believe that story, do you, kid?”

“Why not?”

“I’m not letting you leave this apartment to meet some stranger alone. Tell him to come here. The crew will be here soon. We’ll chase him off if he’s a creep.”

“Fine,” Jim moaned. As he texted his mystery guy back, Jim grumbled about Bones’ over protective and ridiculously obsessive behavior. Like Jim wasn’t a grown man who could protect himself.

“You can’t—that’s the point!” Bones howled from where he’d returned to slave over his hot stove.

 

_So sorry, but we’re having some friends over for dinner and my roommate really needs that avocado. Would you mind coming here?_

**I do not mind.**

 

_Ok, I’m at 480 Acorn Lane, apt. 18._

 

**Received. I will arrive at your location in approximately fifteen minutes.**

 

*

 

Exactly fifteen minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Jim jumped up from the couch.

“Wait!” Bones yelled, running over with his tomato splattered knife clutched in his hand.

“Really?” Jim pointed at the knife.

“Just in case.” Bones widened his stance, his shoulders tensing. “Vulcans are three times stronger than humans.”

“You’re a shit host, Bones.” Jim opened the door. And there, beyond the threshold, stood the stoic, ramrod straight figure of the best lay Jim had ever had.

“Hey,” Jim breathed, his vision filling with stars. The guy looked just as hot as he had a few hours ago, maybe even more so now that his cheeks where tinged a warm green after his sad wait in the cold.

The guy lifted his hand, fingers spread outward. “Thank you for meeting me at this late hour.”

“No problem, happy to have you, thank you for coming, please come in, you look great,” Jim babbled, cringing as he caught his breath. Bones was looking at Jim like he was having a seizure.

With a nod, the hot guy entered their apartment. Jim instantly wondered if the Vulcan would be up for another quickie before Bones’ guests arrived and the guy’s sehlat tore down his house in a hungry rage. Luckily, Jim had made his bed this morning and shoved his pile of dirty clothes in the laundry chute.

“Oh hey, Professor Spock.” Uhura sauntered up the hall with a large vegetable platter balanced in her hands. “I didn’t know you knew Jim and Len.”

Jim balked. “Professor?”

The Vulcan’s cheeks tinged a deeper shade of green. “Correct. I teach xenolinguistics at Starfleet Academy.”

“Awkward,” Bones coughed into his hand. Swiping the avocado _Spock_ held in his hand, Bones ushered Uhura into the kitchen. “Sorry about the wait, darlin’. But I’ll have your favorite guacamole whipped up in a jiffy.”

Jim turned back to Spock. “I’m a student at the Academy. Command track. One more year to go.” He licked his lips and laughed lightly.

“I see,” Spock replied, his features barely shifting. “An ambitious program. However, I am unsurprised by this revelation considering the keen intelligence you conveyed during our discussion about Tellarite-Vulcan politics, and how easily you captured my attention with your innate charisma.”

Ducking his head, Jim blushed and laughed harder.

“Guess we have a lot of catching up to do.” Jim brushed a hand across the back of his neck and stared up at the ceiling. “I mean, that is, if you want to get to know me. I’ll understand if what happened between us was just a one night stand.” Staring past Spock’s pointed ear, Jim took a deep breath, recalling how the Vulcan had hummed quietly when Jim had run his finger along its edge. “But I’d rather it wasn’t.”

“I am amenable to becoming more familiar with your person both socially and physically.” Spock’s eyes dropped a little lower and Jim burned under his Vulcan’s not so subtle focus.

Jim grinned, relief suffusing every pore on his body. “Hey. Do you really have a sehlat?”

“I do.”

“I knew it,” Jim cheered. “I knew you weren’t lying.”

Spock blinked. “Vulcans do not lie.” Lips twitching as he pulled out his comm, Spock swiped across the screen and held out the device. “Perhaps this can act as photographic evidence.” On the screen was pictured a large furry creature. It looked like something between a bear and a lion. “His name is I-Chaya.”

“Cute.” Jim smiled, his eyes darting back up. He lifted his hand. “My name’s Jim by the way.”

“I am Spock.” He stared at Jim’s hand for a moment, long enough for Jim to get a little self-conscious, before taking it firmly within his own. “It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed and would like to share this fic, here's a convenient Tumblr reblog link: <http://noodleinabarrel.tumblr.com/post/155216027439/the-mystery-lay-ks-au>
> 
> If you'd like to keep in touch, I can be found on [Tumblr](http://noodleinabarrel.tumblr.com) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/noodleinabarrel).


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